I've said numerous times, it hasn't been the doctor's appointments, the medical technology, or the "extra" work of adopting a developmentally delayed child, that has brought me to my knees, had me lashing out in anger, and left me beyond worn. It is the panicked fear-filled screaming fits, the cold stares, the reaching out to complete strangers, that sends a parent's heart into crazed desperation.
The entire post is worthy of an "amen." But if I had to highlight the parts that my heart needed to have spoken it would be these...
"So when your heart hurts, I can tell you without a doubt, that God doesn’t bring pain without preparing you for something better. Pain chips away our flesh, to love the unlovable, it turns into freedom. You won’t need that love back, and then, after, you’ll be able to love anyone…it’ll be like nothin’.“Well, this adult person I am meeting is just annoying, I can totally still love them, ain’t no thang. In fact, I kind of think this ungracious adult is great, they are not spitting in my face, shrieking like banshee when I hold them, all after I paid thousands to help them have a better life…”
It’s freedom. You’re free. Love away, because you found out how darn strong you were. You can live open and generous, with no need for anyone to tell you thank you. Maybe if someone is able to tell you thank you for loving them, it’s not actually sacrificial love, you wonder.
I know you know all this stuff, I just want to let you know that the road you are walking, it’s partnering with Jesus’ suffering. It is not without goodness for good purpose. Jesus was and is rejected, you are in good company.
Know too that your child has been rejected on such deep levels and in many ways it will be hard for them to allow connections for a while, but that’s ok, too. They have spent so much time afraid and alone, learning deep down, that no one cares. They hold their fear deep in their chest, tearing at the strings, as they suffer. When you bring the first moments of relief, love, for the first time, it makes them realize how much they have missed out on all their life, and actually be hard for them at first. Tell yourself, that’s ok. And that you’ll keep loving. Keep being their safe person."
~Amy of www.tinygreenelephants.com
Thank you, Amy, for your insight and encouragement that comes with a year of hard growth.
PS. More on our recent developments and signs of growth soon.